[From the draft archives] Tell me lies, tell me sweet little lies.

Another post which I found floating around in my drafts from last summer. 

Today, as I was realizing that I have a very serious retail therapy problem, I simultaneously realized that that is just the tip of the iceberg.
Not only am I capable of spending a good few hundred dollars without even getting dressed or leaving my couch, I am also disturbingly enthused by my new vacuum (retail therapy vacuum).

You wouldn't be able to tell by looking at my house, as it is nearly always in shambles, but I am obsessed to the point of concern with keeping things how I like them.
The reason I can't clean the house all the time is that I don't have the time to do it in the ORDER that I need to do it, and if I can't do it 100% properly, well I'll be damned, I'm not doing it at all. The overwhelmed feeling arrives, and I sit down on the floor and find something else compulsive to do. Such as writing, or more likely, shopping.

So in the midst of all these epiphanies today, I found a common thread. Lies.
I tell myself a nice list of lies daily, don't we all? I'm not very convincing, but my brain is stupid and wants so badly to believe that I really really..REALLY need that set of bathroom towels, AND a new flat iron. Right now.

So here are the lies I (and probably most of you also, let's be real) tell myself everyday:

I'm gonna clean the entire house today!No, what's going to happen is I'm going to get 3 minutes in, realize I don't have the things I need to do it properly, get entirely overwhelmed, go to town and drop bank on cleaning supplies and organizers, come home and unpack it, and then have to go to work.

Diet starts NOW!Yeah. Diet of pasta and pub food.
Rationalization: I walk sooo much in one shift, and I work TWO every day! I can handle a slice of pizza...

I legitimately NEED to buy this.I NEED to be locked away, banned from the internet, and also from money. There is a brand new audio deck still in the box laying in the back seat of my Hyundai. I have more articles of clothing than there are boards in my ceiling, and no matter how hard I fight you, I do NOT need anymore kitchen accessories.

I'm gonna get up early so I can get stuff done before work today!When 7am rolls around, I'm going to start re-evaluating exactly HOW BADLY I need to shave my legs...I can just wear pants today, can't I? No one's going to be looking that closely. The dishes will still be in the sink when I get back. Breakfast? Who needs breakfast. Oprah's not on TV anymore, she can't make me feel bad about skipping it.

It's not THAT many hours, I'll be fine.Double shifts suck, and I am going to die. I think I'm hallucinating. If you want more butter for your scone, you need to re-think a few things, and maybe learn how to make scones because if you knew how much butter was in there ALREADY... you would realize I'm helping you by not giving it to you. I'm tired, don't ask me for anything.

"How are you?""Oh, so far so good, and you?"Shitty. Life is shitty. I am tired, I would rather be at the lake where all my friends are, but instead I'm gonna hang out here for the next 5-8 hours and pretend that its ok for you to complain to me about the temperature of OUTSIDE the restaurant. I really want to be drinking the wine that I am currently serving to you, but other than that, fine.

I can start whatever it is tomorrow.I'm not even going to call this procrastinating, I'm just not gonna do it. 

Oh yeah I totally hate that new Taylor Swift song too. Gross.I know all the words and its not an accident.

Its just a teaspoon of butter......at a time. I'm going to melt a teaspoon at a time until it equals way too much and pour that sucker alllllll over that popcorn which I so "did not eat all of." Also a lie.

So why is it that its ok to lie to ourselves? Do we like ourselves that much that we forgive the lying? Because I feel like if I liked myself that much I wouldn't have to lie about it in the first place. Maybe its the media. Let's blame the media. Yeah. That feels good. Solid plan, team. After all, they do have a firm grip on telling us what we should and shouldn't do, like, or want. Maybe, just maybe, its ok for me to own one too many a set of towels. Ok, maybe towels is a bad example. But MAYBE someone will come over and I will NOT be out of clean towels, HMMMMM? Touche, life. Touche.

Take a minute, if you will, to think about all the lies you tell yourself daily. Its not a bad thing, actually sometimes its a really helpful thing! If I told myself that going for a run was terrible and I'm probably gonna hate it, I wouldn't do it. Its the little voice that goes, "YAY running is FUN! We're gonna look like Jennifer Aniston when we're 40! Yay!!" that gets me out of bed and into the shoes and onto the street. Although my definition of "running" varies daily. 

So what lies do you tell yourself?

Flawless

So this is a little behind schedule, I know. Seeing as it has been.... Oh, I don't know... a good couple YEARS since my last post... I thought I'd stick with that theme and tell you exactly HOW behind schedule I am.

Most people get all excited and twitchy about getting their "bikini ready bod" in time for summer.... I tried that.... and just got started just now. I guess you COULD say, I'm really just SUPER ahead of schedule for next summer.

I'm all too good at hopping on the health train in a big way and then having a life crisis and drowning in a tub of ice cream and retreating into my yoga-pants-cave ("Quick! To the pantscave!"). Problem is, that means an eventual return to the land of "NONE OF MY PANTS FIT I'M GONNA BE LATE FOR WORK!" as if it happened overnight. I swear it does. So here we are... October. Just in time for the WORST POSSIBLE DIETING TIME... The holidays.

But I've always like a bit of a challenge... either that, or I just have some kind of messed up spite issue. 

I'm trying out this low-carb thing, as suburban as that sounds. My Mom actually enlightened me to the effects of carbs, and as the all knowing mother of wisdom, I generally trust her guidance. She's doing some crazy math thing - I swear, she's got more homework than I did in all of high school - but its working! So I'm going to try a lesser, "I-still-like-bread" version. So far a lot of kale and salad have been thrown into the mix, but its really not THAT bad. 

Steamed Cauliflower with ponzu sauce
Seared ahi tuna loin seasoned with cayenne, salt, and pepper
Grated fresh savoy cabbage
Chopped fresh kale
Fresh cilantro
Green onion
Avocado
Ponzu Sauce
(We also threw on some fresh sliced cucumber and sauteed mushrooms.)

Of course with my brain in health-mode, I'm suddenly hyper-aware of all the crazy trends out there. People will really do ANYTHING to combat that "overnight-fat" phenomenon. I figured, the reason we all demand a quick fix is because we genuinely believe that we got fat QUICK. If you can get fat quick, you should be able to get thin quick too right? Wrong. It seems like today, celebrities names are getting thrown out there alongside words like "Garcinia Cambogia" and "Ann Chery's 2026 waist cincher" and "Raspberry Ketone"... No. They aren't using a $50 bottle of fruit pills. They have multiple people staffed to make sure they look good ALL THE TIME. They don't get breaks. They don't get to sit on the couch and watch Breaking Bad with a pint of Ben&Jerry's. So sure, you can look like them, but you're probably gonna hate it. Garcinia Cambogia probably is effective if it is ingested as it is originally found in nature, and probably not dehydrated and crushed into tiny plastic capsules. Raspberry Ketone....it says ON THE bottle that it is part of a healthy diet and exercise regime. So how do you know your weight loss isn't just from the diet and exercise? If you're going to be miserable because you haven't had an entire block of cheese in a month, why would you make yourself MORE miserable by also being broke from all the supplements you bought? Sure that waist cincher probably makes you look a little more slim, but what happens when that special someone sees you in your natural form? You go home, wipe off those eye lashes, wash off your contoured face makeup - taking you from Kim Kardashian to Mr. Potato-Head REAL quick, lose 4 inches in height from the heels you're no longer wearing, let the push-up bra down, and to top it all off, just let that belly roam free. I'm imagining the latex cincher flying off a la rubber band and smacking your prince charming directly in the face knocking him unconscious, which is probably for the best considering what he just saw. Maybe you can drag him into an alley-way and pretend none of that happened. He might not remember.

I think men expect a little surprise when they see their woman au natural, but I'm pretty sure none of them really know the concept of a waist cincher, or spanx for that matter. So while they may be able to handle the initial shock of seeing your ACTUAL bone structure underneath $200 of carefully applied makeup.... I feel like its our duty to spare them the potential cardiac arrest or post traumatic stress induced from watching that go down.

Don't get me wrong, your body is glorious the way it is and by no means do I mean "get skinny or go home". I just mean, why try and convince everyone you're a shape that you aren't? We already convince everyone that our face and hair look like Beyoncé when really....I don't think even Beyoncé looks like Beyoncé when she wakes up. Well maybe she's an exception. She woke up like that (flawless).  (Disclaimer: This video, while fierce, includes profanity.)

You get what I'm saying though right? It's one thing to catch the eye of someone looking like you (or a slightly dressed up version) but its another thing entirely to deceive someone by assuming a fake identity. Like in the movies when the giggly glowing lady lures someone into an alley and then turns into a creature from the underworld and attacks them. It doesn't make them shallow if they realize that they may not be into it anymore once they see you in your natural form. Maybe if they'd known from the get-go, they would have still been down, but imagine yourself in their shoes. You go home with Ryan Reynolds

Only Blake Lively gets this. This is why we hate her.

 and you wake up with Danny Devito. 

I'm sure he has a wonderful personality.

Wouldn't you feel a little peeved? I mean, if you meet Danny Devito and you really hit it off and he's the one for you, then by all means, go for it. But at least you know what you're getting into. He's gonna wake up and look just like that. If you're really that insecure about how you look, do something genuine about it. Do something permanent. Do something that when you go home and get comfortable you won't freak out if someone comes a knockin' on your door. You'll just be able to go answer the door and when they say "wow you look great!" you can say, 

"I woke up like this."

Did you think I WASN'T gonna rant about Valentine's Day?

Tomorrow is the day. February 14th. Whaaaatever. Yeah I'm one of those. Actually I'm one of those when I'm single on Valentine's day. Like, unless you're about to profess your undying love for me, actually if you're in love with anything, anyone, or have ever even had a friendly thought towards someone, I hate you. Go away. I do not want to see you on this day.

This year I actually feel like I'm getting ready for an apocalypse. Like, I'm one second away from hopping into a door frame because I guess earthquake and Valentine's day are pretty much the same thing.

I bet Beyonce never has this problem. And even if she did, it would be ok cuz she's so fierce.

So what do you do with a day like that? How do you get through it? I know most people go for the whole, "Love YOURSELF" thing, but come on, really? No amount of ice cream and pedicures are going to make you go, "Actually, yeah, this is great. I love cats anyway, this could really work out for me."

They told me to make valentines...

I have a few options in mind, hear me out, I think I might be onto something:

1. Go full hot mess. Sweatpants, broken dreams, wine, food that you're not supposed to be eating, and a few thousand Nicholas Sparks movies. If you do this you HAVE to do it right, or its sad. Its only sad if you kid yourself. You've gotta be fully committed to crying your eyes out because "HE WROTE HER EVERY DAY FOR A YEAR AND SHE DIDN'T EVEN KNOW IT AND NO ONE IS EVER GONNA LOVE MEEEEEEE", you know, that kind of thing.

2. Stop caring about the normal stupid things you care about like what other people think or what your "thing" is or isn't and do something totally out of character. Relax, I don't mean like meth, or jumping out of a plane. I'm more on the, go on a random date with someone you just saw in the grocery store and is totally hunky, train. Seriously, why the hell not. Might as well, right? This isn't lame like the cliche, "Try something new because your life is sad" since its not about soul searching or anything deep, its just about doing something different because, why not. I would suggest trying a bad pick up line, or a good one.. Going to a show last minute, driving to a beach somewhere, or something like that. Just don't go on a date with yourself because you KNOW you're going to be surrounded by people being stupid and kissing and loving each other. Whatever.

3. Go into a V-Day coma. If you want to avoid it entirely, this is the only possible way. You might need to start early since apparently Valentine's day starts right after New Years is over with, but its the only way. I swear, the only thing on TV that WON'T be all about looooove will be that channel that runs crime scene shows all day and even that might be a stretch because you know every commercial will be for how great love is.

The homeless are taunting me. And earning money doing it.

4. Party party party. Find a posse and get down.

I know I sound like a horrible person, and really, I love love, usually..

but Valentine's day is only fun if you're dating Ryan Gosling's character in...any movie. And since I'm not, obviously that means I hate you and your kissing and hugging. Get out of here with that nonsense.  I'm talking to you, Channing Tatum's wife.

Happy freaking Valentine's day.

Salt Spring Pride Weekend 2012

It's PRIDE WEEKEND again on Salt Spring Island.

Horses, Umbrellas, Feather Boas, Beach Balls... There is so much going on here...

I love this weekend for one reason.

LOVE!

No matter your orientation, everyone joins together and the whole day is full of love and acceptance and dancing. Everyone dresses up however they want, and there is COLOR EVERYWHERE.

Lucky for us, the parade ended right outside of Barb's so we could see it from the deck for a moment at a time while the restaurant was empty.

Working in the public, I always expect to have at least one person spew negativity at me about the whole thing, since it can be such a controversial subject. I am always pleasantly surprised at how that NEVER HAPPENS. Every year, I serve what feels like a billion people, and every year all I hear is love. Maybe those people are staying home this weekend, I don't know, but it sure helps keep the mood in a loving place.

Barb's Baristas got style!

The even more eye opening, humbling part of the weekend is seeing who comes out and supports it so fully. Again, I work in a very public place, I see a lot of people, some daily. You sort of get to know these people over time, or at least sort of. I'll admit that after a million and one days of serving your breakfast and having small talk, I might start to think I know a thing or two about you, and maybe I do, but not everything. I'll admit that some of the people I would have expected to stay home this weekend are some of the most dressed up, most colorful people I see in the conga line thats making its way down the street in the annual Pride Parade.

The beautiful thing about this weekend is that it doesn't matter who you are, you can put on a rainbow and some feathery wings or glitter and rock out in the middle of town and celebrate acceptance. No one has ever asked me my orientation when they see my rainbow shirt at work, and I've never felt the need to clarify anything to anyone. Everyone is just happy to be there, and happy that you're there too.

Your friendly Barb's staff, watching the parade for a second at a time while the restaurant was empty.

This is the side of humanity that I feel like gets lost in all the debates about whats "right" or not. No matter what your religion is, the basis is usually about loving one another and not causing harm to others, and - somewhat ironically, perhaps - This is the weekend that I feel that happening. Not in theory, but actually actively being practiced by everyone.

Maybe Salt Spring is unique, but it seems like the best side of everyone comes out this weekend, no matter who you love.

I realize that this may strike a chord with some people, and not everyone agrees with me here, but the point is, Pride Weekend or no, that we all should spend more time loving each other and accepting who we all are. Everyone is entitled to their own religion, opinion, and feelings, but this weekend, we've set that aside to just be together as people, dancing in the the street, in the middle of town, because, why not?

The Pride parade coming to its final street corner, conveniently right outside of Barb's.

The Intouchables

I have been terribly neglectful of this page, and I apologize for that. Subject matter has been seemingly dwindling away - I know I say that every time, and I know that every time, it is, in fact, untrue. There is always something to share, maybe the more appropriate excuse would be that I couldn't find any words which I thought would be deserving of your attention.

Having said all that nonsense, I am making a goal to share more things with you, whether they are long, short, text, photographs, or just some thought I had during the day.

So, starting now.

Last night I went to go see a movie called The Intouchables on a recommendation and a sheer lack of anything else to do with my evening.
Its in French, subtitled, and looked like it had the potential to make me cry my eyes out, so I wasn't particularly excited about it, but it was so. Good.

Like, seriously, so. So. SO. Good.

Go see this movie.

It is so refreshingly NOT Hollywood, and wonderful.

Its based on a true story. I don't even want to tell you anything about it except that it is a wonderful movie.

Here is the trailer. Look for it. Watch it. And know that your life is that much better for having seen it.

Identity Crises: Denial and The Power of Creative Wording.

I had a conversation with someone I know from high school yesterday while I was at work. It was pretty normal. We established how each other were doing, and then the usual "What are you up to these days?" This is the moment where you sort of kind of get the suspenseful momentary thought of "please say something less impressive than me". Just in the back of your mind.
                   
                                     Now I'm gonna stop right here to just say this.

I generally want good things for others. I hope they're successful and happy and can spend life frolicking around eating cake and singing songs with cute woodland creatures. Power to ya, but let's be honest because I feel like we have an honest relationship going on here. There is always a person, or some people - especially from the whole high school saga that you both were present for - that you secretly hope do just a little less well than you do. Its not a hate thing, its not wishing misery on others - I'm not cursing your first born, but I think we all have a little inner wickedness that just wants to be a little more awesome than certain people, who may or may not get a little thrill out of seeing you fail at life.

So we get to that part of the conversation. I should make a note that if you're hoping to be more "winning" than someone else, make sure they tell you what THEY'RE up to first, so then you can respond in a more impressive way. I wasn't thinking this at the time.

We get to what I'm up to. I gesture to the full restaurant and say, "This." with a slight chuckle. Jolly good stuff, you know.

"Where are you living?"
......This was the "Ohhhhhhhh." moment where I realized. This was that moment where my world turned upside down, because this was the moment where I realized that I was the person I just described at the beginning of this post. It dawned on me slowly that I'm no longer able to just wing it "yeah I'm in Central America traveling." I'm back to Salty where it takes some creative action to pretty it up. Anyway, having been freshly mangled in the brain, I panicked and the words that came out of my mouth didn't make very much sense, I didn't really answer the question, I sort of danced around it mentioning something about going from place to place and living out of a suitcase, there might have been a reference to being homeless.

So now I'm a homeless waitress in our home town with no clear plans for the future.
Which, as it turns out, sets the bar kind of low for the other person to be doing less awesome than me.
"Oh yeah, well that's awesome, I'm just making shoes in China for 2 cents an hour and living in a tent under a bridge with a guy named Steve, but everyone calls him Dumbledore. Sometimes I like to fish trash out of the river and read the nutritional value pieces for fun."

The really frustrating part of this situation was that I don't actually feel that down and out. I COULD have said something about my recent trip to Central America or California, or really ANYTHING ELSE. I COULD have used ANY OTHER WORDS, but because I'm an IDIOT, I didn't.

In the movie "Romy and Michelle's High School Reunion" there is a scene in which they are both filling out questionnaires for the reunion asking about what they are doing with their lives. They start out good, and as they check off boxes they slowly start to realize, that on paper, it doesn't sound as awesome as it maybe is. If you have seen this movie, you know the scene. This was exactly the moment I had. If you haven't seen the movie, get in your car, go to the video store, rent it, fast forward to that scene, watch it, stop the movie, and come back to reading this. I'll wait.

Ok, now that you properly understand the moment I am trying to portray and are in on the reference, congratulations, you are now enjoying this post a lot more. Knowledge is power.

Yeah, so I don't do much besides work and live on the island right now, but thats because I just spent every cent I had traveling exotic counties with a hunky man. Context can be everything. I know that now...

Oh yeah, and I might have had some wet napkins in my hand, flour all over me, and a piece of lettuce on my apron. That might have been happening also.

Zombie Apocalypse (Don't Do Drugs)

There has been a lot of talk about the Zombie Apocalypse coming to fruition this year. Various stories are surfacing in the news about "zombie-like" behavior.... So everyone is all like, "is it, or isn't it the Zombie Apocalypse?"So everybody just remain calm, and I will set the record straight once and for all because, yes, I have that kind of power.

YES ITS A ZOMBIE APOCALYPSE WE'RE ALL GOING TO DIE DOES ANYONE KNOW THE NUMBER FOR WILL SMITH???

So to summarize: 2012, man, 2012. The world may not come to an end, but I'd say a zombie apocalypse is close enough. Huge disaster. Everyone start Googling how to Zombie-Proof your house.

The End.


Actually, no, wait. I lied. There's more.

I won't go into TOO much detail because some of you may not want to hear about it, but people are going crazy. Basically, there have been several news stories about people doing pretty horrific things to other people - They are supposedly linking it to a new drug thats like cocaine x10, but I don't know. If you get shot 4 times before you even respond, something is up. If you try to eat someone, something is definitely up. THIS STUFF ACTUALLY HAPPENED. MORE THAN ONCE. If you do want to know more, Google can help you. Seriously search "real zombie apocalypse" and it all comes up. You can decide for yourself if this isn't some crazy scary "happening". Also, don't go to Montreal because Luka Magnotta might get you. And that guy scares the living bejeezus out of me.

In light of these most recent happenings, I have assembled this list of things to do to get ready for the end of humanity.

1. Call Will Smith. Nic Cage might also be helpful. They always seem to know what to do in the movies.
2. Get yourself a huge ass gun. Like, huge. Like, if you shoot something, there won't be any chance of missing. As in, everything in a 10 foot radius will be obliterated. I think this is obvious, who brings a swiss army knife to a zombie apocalypse anymore, really?
3. Watch these movies, while they are fictional, they may offer help. Also, they're "fictional" but OBVIOUSLY we're going to have to re-evaluate "fiction" after this.

• Zombieland - While this is a comedy, it is quite useful.
• I Am Legend - ok so these are mutant humans, not really zombies, but same diff.
• Night of The Living Dead
• Resident Evil
• Dawn of The Dead
• Shaun of The Dead (because you might need a laugh after that.)

4. Say your prayers. Zombies HATE that.
5. Lock your door and buy one of those "real sunlight" lamps. Zombies aren't very smart, although sometimes very strong...so make it a really really strong door...if you have a bomb shelter this is best. The light is obvious I think. I Am Legend. Hello.
6. Build THIS.
7. Or this.

8. Go to space. This seems like something people should have thought of a long time ago. I don't know, it seems obvious to me.
9. Become really really distant from anyone you love because chances are, they are going to become a Zombie and then the two of you are going to have a really awkward disagreement that will be so much easier if you aren't emotionally attached to the creature thats trying to eat you.
10. Don't get a dog. Again. I Am Legend. The only thing more sad than having to off your zombie family is having to off your zombie dog. Depressing.


As a bonus, in case you haven't seen Zombieland, here are some of the rules they swear by in that movie:

I've also taken the liberty of making a couple more "How To" guides for the upcoming apocalypse:

Good luck out there.