Identity Crises: Denial and The Power of Creative Wording.

I had a conversation with someone I know from high school yesterday while I was at work. It was pretty normal. We established how each other were doing, and then the usual "What are you up to these days?" This is the moment where you sort of kind of get the suspenseful momentary thought of "please say something less impressive than me". Just in the back of your mind.
                   
                                     Now I'm gonna stop right here to just say this.

I generally want good things for others. I hope they're successful and happy and can spend life frolicking around eating cake and singing songs with cute woodland creatures. Power to ya, but let's be honest because I feel like we have an honest relationship going on here. There is always a person, or some people - especially from the whole high school saga that you both were present for - that you secretly hope do just a little less well than you do. Its not a hate thing, its not wishing misery on others - I'm not cursing your first born, but I think we all have a little inner wickedness that just wants to be a little more awesome than certain people, who may or may not get a little thrill out of seeing you fail at life.

So we get to that part of the conversation. I should make a note that if you're hoping to be more "winning" than someone else, make sure they tell you what THEY'RE up to first, so then you can respond in a more impressive way. I wasn't thinking this at the time.

We get to what I'm up to. I gesture to the full restaurant and say, "This." with a slight chuckle. Jolly good stuff, you know.

"Where are you living?"
......This was the "Ohhhhhhhh." moment where I realized. This was that moment where my world turned upside down, because this was the moment where I realized that I was the person I just described at the beginning of this post. It dawned on me slowly that I'm no longer able to just wing it "yeah I'm in Central America traveling." I'm back to Salty where it takes some creative action to pretty it up. Anyway, having been freshly mangled in the brain, I panicked and the words that came out of my mouth didn't make very much sense, I didn't really answer the question, I sort of danced around it mentioning something about going from place to place and living out of a suitcase, there might have been a reference to being homeless.

So now I'm a homeless waitress in our home town with no clear plans for the future.
Which, as it turns out, sets the bar kind of low for the other person to be doing less awesome than me.
"Oh yeah, well that's awesome, I'm just making shoes in China for 2 cents an hour and living in a tent under a bridge with a guy named Steve, but everyone calls him Dumbledore. Sometimes I like to fish trash out of the river and read the nutritional value pieces for fun."

The really frustrating part of this situation was that I don't actually feel that down and out. I COULD have said something about my recent trip to Central America or California, or really ANYTHING ELSE. I COULD have used ANY OTHER WORDS, but because I'm an IDIOT, I didn't.

In the movie "Romy and Michelle's High School Reunion" there is a scene in which they are both filling out questionnaires for the reunion asking about what they are doing with their lives. They start out good, and as they check off boxes they slowly start to realize, that on paper, it doesn't sound as awesome as it maybe is. If you have seen this movie, you know the scene. This was exactly the moment I had. If you haven't seen the movie, get in your car, go to the video store, rent it, fast forward to that scene, watch it, stop the movie, and come back to reading this. I'll wait.

Ok, now that you properly understand the moment I am trying to portray and are in on the reference, congratulations, you are now enjoying this post a lot more. Knowledge is power.

Yeah, so I don't do much besides work and live on the island right now, but thats because I just spent every cent I had traveling exotic counties with a hunky man. Context can be everything. I know that now...

Oh yeah, and I might have had some wet napkins in my hand, flour all over me, and a piece of lettuce on my apron. That might have been happening also.

Zombie Apocalypse (Don't Do Drugs)

There has been a lot of talk about the Zombie Apocalypse coming to fruition this year. Various stories are surfacing in the news about "zombie-like" behavior.... So everyone is all like, "is it, or isn't it the Zombie Apocalypse?"So everybody just remain calm, and I will set the record straight once and for all because, yes, I have that kind of power.

YES ITS A ZOMBIE APOCALYPSE WE'RE ALL GOING TO DIE DOES ANYONE KNOW THE NUMBER FOR WILL SMITH???

So to summarize: 2012, man, 2012. The world may not come to an end, but I'd say a zombie apocalypse is close enough. Huge disaster. Everyone start Googling how to Zombie-Proof your house.

The End.


Actually, no, wait. I lied. There's more.

I won't go into TOO much detail because some of you may not want to hear about it, but people are going crazy. Basically, there have been several news stories about people doing pretty horrific things to other people - They are supposedly linking it to a new drug thats like cocaine x10, but I don't know. If you get shot 4 times before you even respond, something is up. If you try to eat someone, something is definitely up. THIS STUFF ACTUALLY HAPPENED. MORE THAN ONCE. If you do want to know more, Google can help you. Seriously search "real zombie apocalypse" and it all comes up. You can decide for yourself if this isn't some crazy scary "happening". Also, don't go to Montreal because Luka Magnotta might get you. And that guy scares the living bejeezus out of me.

In light of these most recent happenings, I have assembled this list of things to do to get ready for the end of humanity.

1. Call Will Smith. Nic Cage might also be helpful. They always seem to know what to do in the movies.
2. Get yourself a huge ass gun. Like, huge. Like, if you shoot something, there won't be any chance of missing. As in, everything in a 10 foot radius will be obliterated. I think this is obvious, who brings a swiss army knife to a zombie apocalypse anymore, really?
3. Watch these movies, while they are fictional, they may offer help. Also, they're "fictional" but OBVIOUSLY we're going to have to re-evaluate "fiction" after this.

• Zombieland - While this is a comedy, it is quite useful.
• I Am Legend - ok so these are mutant humans, not really zombies, but same diff.
• Night of The Living Dead
• Resident Evil
• Dawn of The Dead
• Shaun of The Dead (because you might need a laugh after that.)

4. Say your prayers. Zombies HATE that.
5. Lock your door and buy one of those "real sunlight" lamps. Zombies aren't very smart, although sometimes very strong...so make it a really really strong door...if you have a bomb shelter this is best. The light is obvious I think. I Am Legend. Hello.
6. Build THIS.
7. Or this.

8. Go to space. This seems like something people should have thought of a long time ago. I don't know, it seems obvious to me.
9. Become really really distant from anyone you love because chances are, they are going to become a Zombie and then the two of you are going to have a really awkward disagreement that will be so much easier if you aren't emotionally attached to the creature thats trying to eat you.
10. Don't get a dog. Again. I Am Legend. The only thing more sad than having to off your zombie family is having to off your zombie dog. Depressing.


As a bonus, in case you haven't seen Zombieland, here are some of the rules they swear by in that movie:

I've also taken the liberty of making a couple more "How To" guides for the upcoming apocalypse:

Good luck out there.