Zombie Apocalypse (Don't Do Drugs)

There has been a lot of talk about the Zombie Apocalypse coming to fruition this year. Various stories are surfacing in the news about "zombie-like" behavior.... So everyone is all like, "is it, or isn't it the Zombie Apocalypse?"So everybody just remain calm, and I will set the record straight once and for all because, yes, I have that kind of power.

YES ITS A ZOMBIE APOCALYPSE WE'RE ALL GOING TO DIE DOES ANYONE KNOW THE NUMBER FOR WILL SMITH???

So to summarize: 2012, man, 2012. The world may not come to an end, but I'd say a zombie apocalypse is close enough. Huge disaster. Everyone start Googling how to Zombie-Proof your house.

The End.


Actually, no, wait. I lied. There's more.

I won't go into TOO much detail because some of you may not want to hear about it, but people are going crazy. Basically, there have been several news stories about people doing pretty horrific things to other people - They are supposedly linking it to a new drug thats like cocaine x10, but I don't know. If you get shot 4 times before you even respond, something is up. If you try to eat someone, something is definitely up. THIS STUFF ACTUALLY HAPPENED. MORE THAN ONCE. If you do want to know more, Google can help you. Seriously search "real zombie apocalypse" and it all comes up. You can decide for yourself if this isn't some crazy scary "happening". Also, don't go to Montreal because Luka Magnotta might get you. And that guy scares the living bejeezus out of me.

In light of these most recent happenings, I have assembled this list of things to do to get ready for the end of humanity.

1. Call Will Smith. Nic Cage might also be helpful. They always seem to know what to do in the movies.
2. Get yourself a huge ass gun. Like, huge. Like, if you shoot something, there won't be any chance of missing. As in, everything in a 10 foot radius will be obliterated. I think this is obvious, who brings a swiss army knife to a zombie apocalypse anymore, really?
3. Watch these movies, while they are fictional, they may offer help. Also, they're "fictional" but OBVIOUSLY we're going to have to re-evaluate "fiction" after this.

• Zombieland - While this is a comedy, it is quite useful.
• I Am Legend - ok so these are mutant humans, not really zombies, but same diff.
• Night of The Living Dead
• Resident Evil
• Dawn of The Dead
• Shaun of The Dead (because you might need a laugh after that.)

4. Say your prayers. Zombies HATE that.
5. Lock your door and buy one of those "real sunlight" lamps. Zombies aren't very smart, although sometimes very strong...so make it a really really strong door...if you have a bomb shelter this is best. The light is obvious I think. I Am Legend. Hello.
6. Build THIS.
7. Or this.

8. Go to space. This seems like something people should have thought of a long time ago. I don't know, it seems obvious to me.
9. Become really really distant from anyone you love because chances are, they are going to become a Zombie and then the two of you are going to have a really awkward disagreement that will be so much easier if you aren't emotionally attached to the creature thats trying to eat you.
10. Don't get a dog. Again. I Am Legend. The only thing more sad than having to off your zombie family is having to off your zombie dog. Depressing.


As a bonus, in case you haven't seen Zombieland, here are some of the rules they swear by in that movie:

I've also taken the liberty of making a couple more "How To" guides for the upcoming apocalypse:

Good luck out there.